Sunday, September 26, 2010

real or bullshit?

A priest in Louisville was charged with child molestation recently. When he got fingered, he claimed it was his altar-ego.

An acquaintence of mine recently got pregnant and had to have an abortion. So, being the generous guy that I am, I gave her a balloon to celebrate the momentous occasion. She is now mad at me; I believe this has something to do with the fact that the balloon read "Congratulations, it's a boy!" in big block letters on it. In my defense, the balloon store is right down the block from the clinic.

In other news, I recently ordered a ton of specialty groceries/imports online. When they came yesterday, they were delivered in a refrigerator box.

I am the bane of my FedEx driver's existence, and I wouldn't have it any other way.


Tuesday, September 14, 2010

missing the good ol' days,

What ever happened to the good ol' days when there were actually bitches to holla at?

I saw a girl wearing a "Kentucky Girls Do It Better" shirt this past weekend in Louisville. I love my New York girls, but I must admit that there is some truth to this statement. Behold:

-Getting pregnant at an early age
-Getting their GEDs
-Dropping out of high school or college to work at Bob Evans
-Having a low standard of living
-Being unemployed
-Sluttin' it up in general
-Spending excessive amounts of time in Wal-Marts
-Having a baby by age 20
-Having an overly-exaggerated sense of self worth
-Receiving welfare, food stamps or unemployment checks
-Being unremarkable in every single facet of life
-Claiming to be hip and trendy, yet consistently stay years behind on the latest fashion, music, art and styles

Mr. Wizard, get me the hell out of here. Signing off for now;


Monday, September 6, 2010

People are Friendlier Here

Alas, let's take a break from the sardonic humor for a more serious post that means a lot to me.

So last night, I noticed my 3 month old kitten Pika had disappeared. I had opened my door three times for maybe a total of four minutes, and let's just say Pika is the kitten equivalent to Michael Johnson and scurried out in her youthful curiosity while I wasn't looking. So after realizing she wasn't hiding and she had disappeared, I spent the day outside playing the guitar and looking for her. Turns out the lady across the street who always listens to me play had found her last night under her car and had taken care of her, and returned her to me this afternoon.

Everything turned out better than expected! People are friendlier here than in New York for sure.

I lahv her. (:


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Going Out To Eat is Relative

So I've been wondering for months now why every time I go outside on a Friday, there's a line of cars around the block at every fast food drive-through in a twenty-five mile radius. Weird, right? Well here's the scoop.

Friday is the welfare check disbursement day.

That's right, what better way to treat your family of eight out to a night on the town than piling everyone in your pickup truck, driving down to the local Mac-donalls or Wendy's and ordering everyone a number five? Stay classy, Kentucky.

If anyone asks, I'm Canadian.


Thursday, September 2, 2010

Online Poker Strategy Blog

After a period of deliberation, I've decided to keep this as a humor blog and create the poker blog as a separate entity. Due to the fact I'll be maintaining content for two blogs, updates may be a little slower as I have to prepare a full site's content for the second project. Updates coming soon, I promise. In the meantime, THIS:

Saturday, August 28, 2010

my blog is bigger than yours.

I hate a lot of things, which is not necessarily limited to the following:

-Whiny bitches
-Stupid people
-Ignorant people
-Ugly people
-Anyone who uses the phrase "happens to be"
-The South
-The majority of American youth
-People who say "ur"
-People who do not have the ABILITY to use proper punctuation, grammar, and spelling
-Kids who say they play the guitar, but suck
-People who lack common sense
-People who do not realize that failing a United States Driver's Permit test means you have no reason to get a license, as permit tests are nothing but common sense
-Most people under the age of 18
-Boring people
-People who never have anything interesting to talk about
-Dense people who require the same thing to be explained to them multiple times and STILL don't understand it
-Ungrateful people
-People who pretend to be completely different people depending on their company

And that is just a start.

HEY NOW, I'M NOT ALL NEGATIVITY. Here's a list of things I enjoy rather immensely:

    -Telling people I want to date her mother
    -When people rant about racially-based things, such as cab drivers in New York City
    -Gratuitous sex
    -Violence in excess of what has come to be known as excessive
    -Drug abuse
    -Alcohol dependency
    -Music, the guitar and the piano
    -Shotgunning beers
    -Being so manly it hurts
    -Penile references in everyday conversation
    -People who support abortion up to the age of 25
    -Drop-kicking babies
    -Hurting old people

    Profile information (what you can look forward to)

    -Periodical rants (whatever may be irritating me in the world)
    -Interaction with the aforementioned.
    -And whatever else I have the time to add.

    Due to a 'busy' schedule progress may be slow. But most likely not.